"When I met my ex, I was barely an adult. He had total of 15 years in prison already. I’d been to jail, but no hard-knock experience. We had three children together and were married eight years. There were always lots of marital issues—infidelity, secrets. I thought it was normal. I had grown up with trauma, neglect, abuse. I didn’t know any better.
Things with my ex got worse over years, to the point where I was living in a delusional reality. By the time the violence started, not only did I not have the capacity to discern reality, I also acted in a way that supported his narrative that I was delusional and psychotic.
I was driven to give everything to my kids that I didn’t have. Especially a family. It was a big battle internally. That tied me to him.
After I secured a Domestic Violence Protective Order, he showed up at the courthouse. He threatened me, and then T-boned my car with his truck on my drive home.
I first began work with Northwest Justice Project several weeks after he went to jail in 2019. My NJP attorney out of the Seattle office was assigned to me. She was as helpful as she could have been and more. I had no clue. I was dazed, lost in the dark about what had happened. When Child Protect Services (CPS) showed up at my door a month after he went to jail, my attorney let me know that if there is an indication of intimate partner violence, the CPS has a different set of guidelines. Knowing that made an enormous difference.
Later, NJP assigned me to another attorney. I’ve worked with her for the last 1.5 years on the divorce and parenting plan. I was flip-floppy. I’d respond to her and then ignore her for months. She never changed her demeanor towards me. I never felt judged. She never bashed him, she was objective, as neutral as possible–which is critical for people that are in the space I was in.
The parenting plan required all the puzzle pieces that I didn't have the information for. It was tedious and exhausting. I felt like I could not sign anything related to my kids. I’d tell myself: Who am I to say what is right? I had to know what was real first. What do they want, what do they deserve? I wanted to be ethical and fair.
He left in February 2019 and it took two years before I began to hold more tightly to the clearer reality.
First, I tried to come up with a safety plan that aligned with my morals – that I thought was fair. It worked up to 50/50 for custody. I felt proud. But the reality is that I was afraid to say he wasn’t safe for our children. I was afraid to be the only parent my kids would have.
When my attorney and I did our pre-trial practice, I had this awakening moment. I said, “I’m lying to you. I can't do this. I don't want him anywhere near my kids. He hurt me. He hurt them. Why am I trying to be fair when he hasn't been fair?”
We got a restraining order and accepted only professionally supervised visitation.
I worked so hard to get us stability: three homeless shelters before stability in a temporary domestic violence program. Then a Section 8 housing, and a permanent home just a few months ago.
My NJP attorney helped me to become a better advocate for myself. It has a ripple effect. Once you light the torch for somebody that continues to light more torches.
I got my associates degree. Then I was accepted into the University of Washington, School of Social Work and Criminal Justice. I’m finishing the first year of my BA this quarter. I have a cumulative GPA of 3.98.
My experience is my catalyst for what I’m doing now.
I’m an outlier statistically. Statistically speaking, I should not be here with you, in school, with my children. I’m a welfare mom, living on Section 8, zero family, zero anything.
I want to challenge society, policy, organizations on a macro and micro level to consider outliers. When you put them in your calculation, it significantly changes the outcome. If I had not been validated as an outlier, I would not be living here in resilience. But I am here.
Give that outlier the time of day and that outlier is going to run the world one day."
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